so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
