Christians are straight up FREAKS
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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