piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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