she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
