My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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