Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
