good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
