my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
