i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
