she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
