Jerry, you need to find god
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
