apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize