JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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