I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
