So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
