i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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