Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is wine microwaveable?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
