I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
