I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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