You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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