He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You were trust falling into bushes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
