There was a lot of him and a little penis
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
