Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize