I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
