Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
