better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
