Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
