It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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