So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
