Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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