420 ftw
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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