Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
