Cold hands, warm shart.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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