I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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