Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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