someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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