he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
