Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
