We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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