who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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