i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
