I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
