my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
