ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize