I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
