i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
