Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
