just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
