she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
im on a boat
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