I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
