did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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