dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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