So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
