I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize