did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
