friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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