Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
