it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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