Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize