Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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