I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
