I wish I could punch you in the face.
I could make wine with my vomit
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
