We won't sleep together?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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