Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
